There's a fire permanently burning in my heart. I can't be bothered. I'm angry. I have no desire whatsoever to talk to anyone on the net. I mean, to chat to anyone. I'm well shot of everything. It's... I don't really know. I don't have the exact words. It fails me. Everything fails me. I'm a bastardly arsehole who doesn't understand anything. The only way I can understand stuff is when you like, hammer it into my head or scream and shout. No apologies accepted afterwards: it's useless cos I'm no good. One thing I don't get is why when people get stressed out they take it out on others. I'm... You use pay as you go on the phone. You don't run a phone bill. But... Well... You bite your nails. He sends you an email with the subject as "Sorry" After having read it you put "Undeliverable" ; Like "Undeliverable: FW: Sorry" And he doesn't even realise anything and sends you the same thing again. You scorn at his stupidity. You take the piss deep in your heart. You laugh "Hahahee" It alleviates the pain. The nights are the hardest. You hold on to his jersey, smell it, feel his scent, remember what it was like when he did things to you, how good and right it felt when he held your body close to his, the way his arms wrapped around you and the way your face fit into his chest and you smell that scent, thinking that you never can get enough. Look at his picture, laugh or cry like a maniac. Or laugh and cry like a maniac, thinking, what the fuck is going on? Why do you care? What are you doing? Have you fallen in love? Is this love? Or obssession? Or sheer madness? Then your thoughts become a jumble. Bang your head against the wall. Bite your lips. Crack your fingers till they hurt. Pull at your hair. Bang your fists against the wall. Your head too, cos the pain is SO good you forget other stuff. For a moment it stops hurting, then it comes all over again. Then between quiet sobs, your head buried under your pillow, you fall into oblivion: you wish. You dream about him all night. When you wake up, you say "Fuck fuck fuck"... Kids, life is fucked up. Don't be in a hurry to grow up.

My mother was just telling me an interesting story... How I was born. Apparently I was an overdue baby- way overdue. I should have been born in April. I was born in May... She tells me I was actually 9 months and 20 or 21 days old when I was born. So if my calculations are right (hold on lemme calculate that) I should have been born on the 20th or 21st of April 1984 instead of the 10th of May. I guess this explains why I am a bit of a retard. And my umbilical cord was wound around my neck (for those who get it- I'm a girl, and still I was born with my "janev." How cool is that?) And they say that when this happens to babies, those babies end up being vegetarians (No fucking way José) . What does that make me? A carnivorous girl with a "janev" who is a bit retarded. I never stop discovering things about myself. One thing I'll never forget is when my dad told me I had a new sister. I actually told him "What are you gonna do with it? Throw it away, I don't need it." I was a nasty little fucker even during those days. *Sigh* It doesn't seem to have changed though. Well... It has. I'm a bigger, meaner little fucker now. For now, fuck off Sunflowers.

I've been looking for Beyoncé's "Irreplaceable" like damn crazy. I wanna listen to the song but no P2P seems to be working. I was a Warez user. Then it stopped working. Then I switched to Limewire. It stopped working too. I got so fucking bored yesterday that I uninstalled Limewire. I googled "Best P2P" and I got Ares. I downloaded the fucking thing and it's not working. I uninstalled it. I downloaded Limewire and installed it. Twice. I downloaded Warez again. This time the Beta version. It still sucks. Can anybody tell me which P2P is actually WORKING? I'm gonna like try Kazaa now. I hope my hair doesn't turn gray. Bitch. Cow. Fucker.